FLAMES...FLAME, ON THE SIDE OF MY HEAD...

For Michelle... again. Just thought you might like to see the REAL video for the song I dedicated to you. It is much better. Hope to see you soon.




-B
I'm lookin' to the sky to save me, looking for a shining light

Twisted...

I have no idea what the fuck this movie is about, but Zack Snyder is a fucking visual effects genius.

-B
We are the sons of no one, Bastards of young.

Man Of The Hour

The past 24 hours marked the second anniversary of the death of the greatest friend I have or ever will have the honor of being a part of my life. Joseph Scott Ingram, or to his friends "Joey", passed away 2 years and a little over 8 hours ago after a lifetime of constant health battles including Diabetes, reoccurring cases of Leukemia, and Dyskeratosis Congenita. He was dealt one of the worst hands in life, and yet he was also one of the strongest, bravest, kindest and smartest people I have ever known.

I have spent the last 24 hours in a constant emotional rage, and it never occurred to me that the memory of seeing him lying there in that hospital bed, dying, while I stood there unable to save him is the reason why. It wasn't that I didn't think of him today; I think about him a lot, especially February 4th (the day he was taken from us) and July 15th, his birthday. And yet, the odd thing is that since I got the call from our mutual good friend Ken about his admittance to the hospital, seeing him dying, the funeral (of which Ken and I had the honor of being the only non-family pallbearer's), the memorial service and the following months of depression and heartache, I have yet to cry. I have not shed one tear. Now all that know me will testify to the fact that I am not in any way an emotionally open person; I can count on one hand the times I can remember actually crying, and yet the loss of this great person fills me with not only sorrow but rage.

Why are only the best taken from us so early? Joey never once complained about his illnesses and he never asked "why me". He was the nicest, most polite person on the planet; he literally could not have an enemy; there was just not one bit of him not to like. And he is gone, and I am angry and sad and I miss my friend so much that I punch holes in my walls, and yet I am unable to cry. I am too angry to cry. Why did it have to be him? Millions of racist's, homophobes, bigot's, war mongers and war profiteers and millions more of people who live with their heart's filled with hatred are walking around and living out their hatred or masking it behind some facade of religion or politics, and the world gets a little darker because life chose him instead.




I am honored to have him in my life, and I wish all of you could have had the chance to know him. He was the best of all of us, and now he is gone. It should have been anyone, anybody else at all instead of him. I wish it was me instead; I would gladly have traded places if I could. He made those around him radiate with joy and comfort, and the world would be a little less dark if it had been me instead.

He was truly the best of us all. Joey, I miss you so much and I know the pain will never go away. But I will see you again my friend, my brother, my hero. Even though The Man Of The Hour has taken his final bow, as the curtain comes down I feel that this is just goodbye for now.

-B
We were but stones; your light made us stars.

What Lies Beneath

Take a breath, hold it in
Start a fight, you won't win

Had enough, let's begin

Never mind, I don't care

All in all you're no good

You don't cry like you should

Let it go if you could

When love dies in the end

Here we go, does it hurt?

Say goodbye to this world

I will not be undone

Come to life, it gets worse

All in all you're no good

You don't cry like you should

I'll be gone when you fall

Your sad life says it all

Don't carry me under

You're the devil in disguise

God sing for the hopeless

I'm the one you left behind

So I'll find what lies beneath your sick twisted smile

As I lay underneath your cold jaded eyes

Now you turn the tide on me 'cause you're so unkind

I will always be here for the rest of my life

-B
I'm the one you left behind

For Michelle...

I am sorry that I hurt your feelings for not being able to spend time with you on Christmas and your birthday. I hope that you understand my situation and all that I am going through, and although that is no acceptable excuse, unfortunately it is the cause of my recently having to distance myself from others. We have always been very close, and there are no words in the English or Latin language (Greek maybe?) that could fully describe how proud of you I am for not only what you have accomplished but equally as much for how much you have had to overcome and how far you have gone to prove that I was right when I said I would never give up on you nor ever stop believing in you. I hope you soon accept my apology; it seems it was nothing more than miscommunication and I will be here waiting for your call when you feel ready to talk. Until then, I dedicate this song to you because even though I am not a fan of Pink's music, my first thought when I heard this song was of you. I love you very much, and I truly hope to hear from you soon and that you can forgive me for any pain that I may have caused you.



-B
Don't you ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect

After Everything I've Done, I Hate Myself For What I Have Become

 Why is it that boulders stay strong after so many stones are broken upon them, yet when they fall, they shatter to unrecognizable microscopic fragments of the glory of Mother Nature that they once were? They once stood so high and proud as if they were a shield against any and all harmful threat that may represent itself to not only the hillside of which it proudly stands before the gates of its elemental castle, but the pebbles that constantly rely on it's protection, like citizens of this miracle of nature that we so rarely stop to look at as it passes before our eyes.

I have always been the boulder of which others are either protected by, or break themselves upon, as I stand there immobile and unable to save so many that I have lost over the years. I keep it all inside; some may say hidden behind a mask or facade of control and emotionless persona, and yet I have on the rare occasion felt as though I were on the edge of the abysmal cliff, teetering back and forth until that final breeze of wind of which I have for so long enjoyed and been comforted by pushes me into my unavoidable descent as I wait patiently to shatter among the ground I once stood so proudly upon.

It is only then that I realize I will never be that symbol of protection, healing, comfort, security and hope that I have stood for so long to all of those whom have ever once asked for my helping hand. Even the strongest of us fall. But when the strong that keep it bottled up so as to help those who cannot help themselves or feel as if the world has abandoned them finally fall from grace, it shatters us for life. We can never be rebuilt, repaired,  salvaged or saved. We are only tiny, weak shards of what once was the pillar of strength, light, hope and comfort for all others.

For too long I have been the boulder, putting those I call friends before myself, and it has got to stop; this life is killing me, and if I do not figure out how to transform from the monster I am to man I want to become, I fear it is a battle I am very close to losing.

I don't want to live this life anymore. I try so hard to help anyone I can and the fractures are starting to show. I feel as if I am on fire, drowning in a pool of gasoline, condemned to this Hellish torment forever. My weakness, my only weakness, is that I cannot sit idly by and watch others suffer as I do nothing. There is no reset button on life; we can only move forward and hope that we learn, as I have yet to learn, from our mistakes. The people you care about are rarely on the same list as those that care about you. You cannot stop those that choose to walk out of your life; to abandon you, regardless of the reason. It is the sad truth and it hurts more than you would imagine, but over the past 3 years I have watched more friends and lovers walk out on me, walk out of my life than I have in the preceding 27 years. It appears to be obvious what or whom the common denominator is;

Me.

I do not know where to go from here. For the first time in my life, I feel lost. I have always taken anything life throws at me, and have always been thankful that it was me and not someone I love that life chose to harm. But for how long can a man take so much emotional, mental and physical pain and torment with a straight face before he, like the boulder he once portrayed becomes nothing more than scattered minerals and dust; nothing more than a broken piece of something that could have been great and beautiful; could have made others proud to call it's name and speak only kind words of him before he himself becomes nothing more than a shattered, hazy memory of failure?

I am, for the first time in my life afraid; truly afraid of what I have become. I cannot remember who I was, or even if I was someone worth remembering; but I will never forgive myself nor forget the lifetime of letting down those around me that expected more from this broken man that stands before them. It is a hard thing to accept once you realize you are the one they call worthless; the one they know is a failure but couldn't say it to your face; but we both know who and what I am, and I am ashamed of whatever that creature is evolving into.

It seems that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do is enough for some people.

I am going to take a few days off of writing, text, calling or emailing those that managed to put up with my shit for so long and yet still chose to remain in my life. I have to figure out what and who I am going to become, and I need to do it quickly. I have been gazing so long into the Abyss that I no longer recognize the man in it's reflection. I hate this life; I cannot live like this anymore, but I have to not only find a way to continue on, but to find a purpose to drive me towards that man I hope someone out there once thought I could become. Until then my friends, please forgive me for all that I have done to harm or wrong you; I never meant to hurt anyone, and yet I was so preoccupied by being there for others that I never took a moment to see just how much I was destroying myself.

And so back into the Abyss I shall travel. I hope to find that person I was, but I fear he is gone forever. If that shall be the case, I accept my fate without and expectation of others to accept it as well; I am what I am, but I have to try, and unfortunately it is a road I must travel alone. I never talk about my emotions and feelings, and that is something that everyone me around just has to accept. The road out of this Hell will be long, hard, dangerous and possibly lead to nowhere, but before the grace of God I shall go into the darkness; alone, afraid and without hope, but I shall return as either the man I want to be or the monster I have become. I just fear what I will find as I step into the dark.

 Apok: Those who wonder, shielding their face by hideous masks, to atone for their sins.

I leave with the only words I know how to type but am unable to speak:

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats, The Wind Among The Reeds, 1899.

-B
Take a breathe and softly say goodbye.

Life Too Can Cut You, And I've Cut You Out Of Mine...

Your sorry eyes; they cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

-B
She lies and says she still loves him

Sometimes...

More words of madness to follow before week's end. Until then...I would have GLADLY given up my third incredibly large testicle to have been there to see this:




-B
She lies and says she's in love with him

That Ol'55 Feeling...

-B

Aedh Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

 

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats, The Wind Among The Reeds, 1899.

-B

If you only knew...

Coming Soon...

As always, you fellow followers that maintain the courage to follow me down the rabbit hole of madness into the deep, dark depths of unexplored realms of the human sociopathic mind that I posses should know by now, I tend to recommend good, indie/unsigned music. No, recommend is not the word; Force. I force it down your throat like a gay dolphin pluggin' another dolphin's blowhole (Thanks for the image Ricky Gervais), until you finally learn to relax, and just let it happen. Anyway, I am working on a piece on a new band that I discovered two nights ago that may be the punk band Sacramento has been waiting for; has been needing. The band is The Left Hand. If Walk Among Us era Misfits had melodic sex with the Descendents and Alkaline Trio served as the part time nanny, this concoction would almost be as amazing as The Left Hand. They will be playing at The Distillery in Sacramento on January 8th, 2011 at 10:00 pm. It is not an all ages venue unfortunately, but in the profile and music review that will be seen here and in a few local mag's like Sac News & Review within the next week or two will give you a much better look at the music and influences. I will have the article posted here before the end of the week. Until then, check out their page, add them as friends, and be there on the 8th, as I will be and will be doing a live show review that I can only imagine is as amazing as the demo CD I received that hasn't left my truck stereo in the past 48 hours. Until then folks, check 'em out and let's help this city stop trying to push out the music scene that you can't stop from growing.

-B
That's it we've had enough, put Walk Among Us on and turn it up!

The Sound Of Banging Coconuts

Dear fellow sociopaths, I have been unable to update recently as my mind is melting into what can only be assumed as liquid insanity. I am leaking brains and possibly toxic waste out of my nose and that is only the beginning of the dark, evil plague that has been cursed upon me by some witch of whom my ancestors probably burned alive after she turned one of them into a newt. But he did get better, so, you know, there's that.



Anyway, more paranoid and psychotic ramblings when I return to better health in a day or two. Until then, as always, stop touching yourself!

-B
You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don't think twice, it's all right