Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Momentary Lapse Of Reason

Main Entry: in·sane
Pronunciation: \(ˌ)in-ˈsān\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin insanus, from in- + sanus sane
Date: circa 1550
1. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

My train of thought, as well as my life it seems has been nothing but the above definition; insane. I have spent my whole life putting others before myself, and I always get the same result. Almost thirty years of fighting for a life a meager peasant would wish upon his cruel master. Where once I saw a clear path, I now see fog on the windiest of roads. It sometimes seems like nothing more than pure luck that I have not driven (or been driven) over the side of the road, tumbling towards my inevitable bottomless pit of failures and disappointments. I used to think that I was a good person; I would do anything for anyone, and break my back for those I barely considered acquaintances, much less those I truly cared about. Now I can't seem to care about anything. This is nothing new; those who knew me throughout the yesteryears have seen this behavior slowly un-bottle itself, every year seemingly getting worse and worse. Like most children, I dreamed of gold but awoke with rust. I am not sure of the exact moment I began this downward spiral of disappointment and disenchantment, but it seems to have happened long before my memory developed. I can't remember a single period of my life where I have been happy. Maybe I never have. My eyes saw Alexander while the mirror reflected Amory; failing upwards for so long that you begin to feel like you have actually accomplished something until the moment arises where the mirror's reflection finally overcomes your eyes' own overblown perception of failure masked as success and joy. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough for anybody, and quite frankly, I fear I am done with it. This town, this life is nothing more than a redundant video game that you cannot win, but there is no reset button. I fear I am rather done with this life. There is nothing I can improve, and all I seem to do is fail. So maybe it is time to move on...find another road to travel in another place where no one has any predispositions of my past or predictions of my future. Sorry California, but I am done with you. The next few somber months shall be spent trying to find another place to lay my head, for I fear I have overstayed my welcome here. Sometimes, when you know that you just can't win, you have no choice but to face the fact that you have lost.

And I hold you close in the back of my mind, and raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead. Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore; One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul.

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