Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Cheesing My Fucking Brains Out

Greatest line ever: "Curse you rockin' tits!"

Let me explain;

I'm watching one of the newer South Park episodes and the kids are getting stoned off of concentrated cat urine. It's funnier than it sounds (although only slightly) but the episode is a play on the cult classic animated film Heavy Metal, so it's still worth watching. Anyway, I am a big fan of the film and the magazine, so I was excited to hear that they are making a new one. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a glowing green ball floating from universe to universe causing all sorts of shit to happen to a badass soundtrack. There are also tits involved. I suggest you bring booze/drugs when watching. Also check out the animated flick American Pop, which follows a family of musicians throughout the generations and the things going on in society around the time period of that particular generation. So that's it for now, my brain hurts and I have the dumb. Side note, don't inhale cat pee. It doesn't work, trust me.

here you find me in between Heaven and Hell my dear

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Daddy Needs His Medicine

I want to invent a new drug. Not for the fame of having invented the cure to Chronic Testicle Tickles or anything like that, but solely for the fun of creating a name for it. That's the reason why anybody gets into the Inventing Shit field anyway; nobody really wants to give men longer erections or women a cure for Menstrual Cycle Bitchiness, they just want to say "You know that cool new drug Vicosnifflechicklet? Yeah, I invented that. Wanna fuck?" The world is filled with genius scientists of varying fields of study, and not one has a lick of creativity when naming their creation. They either use their last name, the Latin version of their last name, or they stick the names of every creation ever shown in a Star Trek episode into a hat and blindfold some lab rat acolyte and give him the "honor" of drawing out a name. Or something like that, I don't really know and I am too lazy to do some actual research, but I am sure my theory is sound. Anyway, if it were up to me, these drugs would be so much more awesome and possibly deadly than they already are (science shows that drugs with cool names are 56.8% more likely to cure diseases, increase sex drive, give you ESP, and make you cooler than Kanye West according to the facts that I've just made up). No more crappy names like Tylenol or Heroin. Instead of Viagra you now get Stiffyjuicelicide. Got a headache? Try Sexyfantabulous. These are but a few of the ways that my total awesomeness and complete lack of common sense or brains would help make this world a better place. So to hell with Advil, I'm off to overdose on Owesomevicafizzyliftingdrink.

Hush you're in a story that I heard somebody told

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Saturday, April 05, 2008

Dull Blade

As I type this I am watching the movie Blade: Trinity, and hating every moment of it. Don't get me wrong; it's not that I don't enjoy watching Wesley Snipes play the same character he plays in every film he has ever starred in (only with fangs this time), Ryan Reynolds playing Van Wilder with a gun, and one of those Jessica bitches try and kill vampires while listening to trip-hop on her iPod; I do. I just don't think I can take anymore cheesy stupid action movies. Snipes is a terrible actor, and Reynolds has improved exponentially since the release of Van Wilder, but Jessica (I just checked, it's Biel) is the anchor around the neck that is drowning this waste of celluloid. How many tacky post-kill punch lines is a film legally allowed to have? In my opinion it's too many. Shit, even on mute this movie is bad. Fuck it, I am going to watch something else, something good.

Ooh, Judge Dredd is on!

I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean

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