Thursday, January 20, 2011

What Lies Beneath

Take a breath, hold it in
Start a fight, you won't win
Had enough, let's begin
Never mind, I don't care

All in all you're no good
You don't cry like you should
Let it go if you could
When love dies in the end

Here we go, does it hurt?
Say goodbye to this world
I will not be undone
Come to life, it gets worse

All in all you're no good
You don't cry like you should
I'll be gone when you fall
Your sad life says it all

Don't carry me under
You're the devil in disguise
God sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind

So I'll find what lies beneath your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me 'cause you're so unkind
I will always be here for the rest of my life

I'm the one you left behind

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

For Michelle...

I am sorry that I hurt your feelings for not being able to spend time with you on Christmas and your birthday. I hope that you understand my situation and all that I am going through, and although that is no acceptable excuse, unfortunately it is the cause of my recently having to distance myself from others. We have always been very close, and there are no words in the English or Latin language (Greek maybe?) that could fully describe how proud of you I am for not only what you have accomplished but equally as much for how much you have had to overcome and how far you have gone to prove that I was right when I said I would never give up on you nor ever stop believing in you. I hope you soon accept my apology; it seems it was nothing more than miscommunication and I will be here waiting for your call when you feel ready to talk. Until then, I dedicate this song to you because even though I am not a fan of Pink's music, my first thought when I heard this song was of you. I love you very much, and I truly hope to hear from you soon and that you can forgive me for any pain that I may have caused you.

Don't you ever feel like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Sunday, January 09, 2011

After Everything I've Done, I Hate Myself For What I Have Become

 Why is it that boulders stay strong after so many stones are broken upon them, yet when they fall, they shatter to unrecognizable microscopic fragments of the glory of Mother Nature that they once were? They once stood so high and proud as if they were a shield against any and all harmful threat that may represent itself to not only the hillside of which it proudly stands before the gates of its elemental castle, but the pebbles that constantly rely on it's protection, like citizens of this miracle of nature that we so rarely stop to look at as it passes before our eyes.

I have always been the boulder of which others are either protected by, or break themselves upon, as I stand there immobile and unable to save so many that I have lost over the years. I keep it all inside; some may say hidden behind a mask or facade of control and emotionless persona, and yet I have on the rare occasion felt as though I were on the edge of the abysmal cliff, teetering back and forth until that final breeze of wind of which I have for so long enjoyed and been comforted by pushes me into my unavoidable descent as I wait patiently to shatter among the ground I once stood so proudly upon.

It is only then that I realize I will never be that symbol of protection, healing, comfort, security and hope that I have stood for so long to all of those whom have ever once asked for my helping hand. Even the strongest of us fall. But when the strong that keep it bottled up so as to help those who cannot help themselves or feel as if the world has abandoned them finally fall from grace, it shatters us for life. We can never be rebuilt, repaired,  salvaged or saved. We are only tiny, weak shards of what once was the pillar of strength, light, hope and comfort for all others.

For too long I have been the boulder, putting those I call friends before myself, and it has got to stop; this life is killing me, and if I do not figure out how to transform from the monster I am to man I want to become, I fear it is a battle I am very close to losing.

I don't want to live this life anymore. I try so hard to help anyone I can and the fractures are starting to show. I feel as if I am on fire, drowning in a pool of gasoline, condemned to this Hellish torment forever. My weakness, my only weakness, is that I cannot sit idly by and watch others suffer as I do nothing. There is no reset button on life; we can only move forward and hope that we learn, as I have yet to learn, from our mistakes. The people you care about are rarely on the same list as those that care about you. You cannot stop those that choose to walk out of your life; to abandon you, regardless of the reason. It is the sad truth and it hurts more than you would imagine, but over the past 3 years I have watched more friends and lovers walk out on me, walk out of my life than I have in the preceding 27 years. It appears to be obvious what or whom the common denominator is;


I do not know where to go from here. For the first time in my life, I feel lost. I have always taken anything life throws at me, and have always been thankful that it was me and not someone I love that life chose to harm. But for how long can a man take so much emotional, mental and physical pain and torment with a straight face before he, like the boulder he once portrayed becomes nothing more than scattered minerals and dust; nothing more than a broken piece of something that could have been great and beautiful; could have made others proud to call it's name and speak only kind words of him before he himself becomes nothing more than a shattered, hazy memory of failure?

I am, for the first time in my life afraid; truly afraid of what I have become. I cannot remember who I was, or even if I was someone worth remembering; but I will never forgive myself nor forget the lifetime of letting down those around me that expected more from this broken man that stands before them. It is a hard thing to accept once you realize you are the one they call worthless; the one they know is a failure but couldn't say it to your face; but we both know who and what I am, and I am ashamed of whatever that creature is evolving into.

It seems that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do is enough for some people.

I am going to take a few days off of writing, text, calling or emailing those that managed to put up with my shit for so long and yet still chose to remain in my life. I have to figure out what and who I am going to become, and I need to do it quickly. I have been gazing so long into the Abyss that I no longer recognize the man in it's reflection. I hate this life; I cannot live like this anymore, but I have to not only find a way to continue on, but to find a purpose to drive me towards that man I hope someone out there once thought I could become. Until then my friends, please forgive me for all that I have done to harm or wrong you; I never meant to hurt anyone, and yet I was so preoccupied by being there for others that I never took a moment to see just how much I was destroying myself.

And so back into the Abyss I shall travel. I hope to find that person I was, but I fear he is gone forever. If that shall be the case, I accept my fate without and expectation of others to accept it as well; I am what I am, but I have to try, and unfortunately it is a road I must travel alone. I never talk about my emotions and feelings, and that is something that everyone me around just has to accept. The road out of this Hell will be long, hard, dangerous and possibly lead to nowhere, but before the grace of God I shall go into the darkness; alone, afraid and without hope, but I shall return as either the man I want to be or the monster I have become. I just fear what I will find as I step into the dark.

 Apok: Those who wonder, shielding their face by hideous masks, to atone for their sins.

I leave with the only words I know how to type but am unable to speak:

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats, The Wind Among The Reeds, 1899.

Take a breathe and softly say goodbye.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Life Too Can Cut You, And I've Cut You Out Of Mine...

Your sorry eyes; they cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost

Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know

They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost

Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going

You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost

Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

She lies and says she still loves him

Wednesday, January 05, 2011


More words of madness to follow before week's end. Until then...I would have GLADLY given up my third incredibly large testicle to have been there to see this:

She lies and says she's in love with him