Thursday, February 22, 2007

Still Playing Dumb

I shouldn't be enjoying this at all. In fact, I should be disappointed in myself for even reading these damn articles, but this is just too god damn juicy. I love this so much that I want to marry this little moment and make little baby moments with it. And that should say something about me, because the "it" I am referring to is the catastrophic landside and intellectual meltdown of Britney Spears. I know it's cruel and mean, but I salivate at the thought of seeing more photographs of Britney losing her mind. I am enjoying watching her deconstruct so much that it almost hurts. Don't get me wrong, I do feel bad for her kids. It's not their fault they have materialistic celebrity douche bags as parents. But I do hope that K-Fed is miserable. That thought alone helps me sleep at night.

Before you accuse me of being an asshole, let me explain why I enjoy seeing Britney and Kevin suffer humiliating moments of shame before the eyes of the world. Kevin Federline needs no explanation. I could go forever with valid reasons to hate this guy, but I think Micrsoft Word stops at 9,999 pages, and frankly I don't have that much space available on my hard drive. My hatred for Britney goes beyond that of a typical nemesis. I hate this woman so much that I actually hope she has a mental disease, just so that gives me something to cheer for. Britney is a terrible human being. Take away her music and "film" work and see what you have left. She's not a girl, not yet a human being.

Not only is Britney a terrible role model for young girls, but she is also a terrible role model for future mothers. If there were a handbook that women got when they get knocked up, I imagine the first chapter would be dedicated to child seats and seat belts. This bitch has no idea how much she is fucking up her kid's lives. I don't know whose hands they are worse off in; hers or Kevin's. Anyway, I hope Britney doesn't go therapy. I am having way too much fun with this and I fear the news would be boring without Britney to spice it up. And as for K-Fed, I hope he dies. In a fire.

I hope you die.

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Catch My Disease

It’s nice to see that there really are some intelligent people in the state of Texas. Texas is like its own country, rooted in a bizarre and backwards culture that refuses to let go of its good ol’ boy heritage. I read about this issue a few weeks ago in Rolling Stone and I just assumed that by the time of the articles publication, the state of Texas would have moved heaven and earth to get it passed. Apparently I was wrong. What amazes me most is that some of the states residents were actually hoping science and logic would take priority over the states desire to completely block out the sun with its solid shit-brick of smog in the air.

However, my delusions of the existence of Smart People In Texas, or as I like to refer to as SPIT, are short lived. Reality came crashing down in the time frame required to read 3 sentences, particularly the quote by one of Texas’ “finer” citizens, who stated that he only cared because he lives there and would quite not give a shit if this were another state we were talking about. Apparently either global warming is region specific or this crowning achievement of Texas public education somehow failed elementary science. It could honestly go either way. After all, it is Texas.

I have three big problems with what it is that TXU is attempting, besides the whole pollution thing. The first is that TXU is going to argue in court that this is not about the necessity of power, but about locking out other competitors. That’s a brilliant move for one of the largest corporate polluters in the world. Why try and argue that your state needs the power, when you can justify destroying what little nature your barren wasteland of a state has by claiming its all in the name of aggressive monopolization. I’m sure the judge will appreciate your honesty.

The second problem I have is that TXU is attempting to pull this off before Congress enacts a cap-and-trade policy. For those who are unfamiliar with the workings of a cap-and-trade system, read here. Basically, TXU stands to gain significant financial benefits if the plants can be built before this system is enacted. Sometimes I wonder if these people honestly don’t believe in global warming and the effects pollution has on the environment, or if they just don’t care. Judging by the MO of the current administration, it seems more like a fuck-and-run scenario. Don’t worry, the world won’t call you back either.

The third issue I have with this situation is that some idiots actually believe that this has nothing to do with Governor Rick Perry receiving a large donation from TXU to benefit his reelection campaign. A quick note to all the non-SPIT’s; this is how politics fucking work. The GOP knows all about this process, and anyone who is surprised or skeptical of this fact may be slightly retarded. Of course it had something to do with the campaign donation. Why would Perry risk his career by allowing his state, which ranks the worst among pollutants in the country, to become even more polluted? Because he was fucking told to. Welcome to Politics 101.

It’s always nice to see SPIT’s coming together to do something, even if it is for selfish reasons. I honestly doubt that the plants will be built. It does not matter how powerful the coal industry is. They are using the wrong excuses to convince a judge that they need the plants, which is only going to stall and buy time for Congress to enact an air quality law before these plants break ground. If I lived in Texas (and I’m glad I don’t) I would rally to get Perry out of office. We did it in California for Gray Davis, but then again we are not Texans.

Also, on another note, can somebody tell me where the fuck $12 billion dollars of our tax money disappeared to? It was stacked on pallets, weighing over 300 tons, in $100 bill denominations, and loaded into trucks and shipped to Iraq. If anybody sees J. Paul Bremer, could you ask him how the fuck he lost over three hundred tons of cash that was taken out of our paychecks? I would kind of like to know who else he had help him steal our money.

Open your heart and catch my disease.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Ecstasy Of Gold

I am still alive, I think. I am currently working on a few band profiles and essays that are taking up more of my time than expected. I will have something tangible, something to hold and cherish, something to cup in your hands as they rise towards the heavens in Ecstasy of Gold, at some point this week. Until then, read this. There will be a test.

Who let this feeling die?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Britney's Razor

It's official: Britney's brains have jumped the shark. She is now officially B-A-N-A-N-A's.

One of these days, I'm going to cut you into little pieces

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Monday, February 12, 2007

World Keeps Turning

I agree with Rolling Stone's Tim Dickinson that Al Gore should run for the Presidency again. I also agree that he could win over Clinton and Obama. What I'm afraid of is that he won't run. I don't know enough about Obama to vote for him, and I am uncertain on Hillary Clinton and John Edwards. Regardless, if he does run, he has my vote again.

On a side note, since we're on the discussion of our nation's political cluster-fuck, here is an interesting article my Matt Taibbi. I believe he is correct when he states that if and when the war in Iraq ends, it will be done without they were wrong or that opponents of the war were right. Cheney will make sure of that.

The world don't care and yet it clings to me

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49th Grammy Wrap Up

As expected, the Grammy's were a disappointment. Just when I thought they could not get any worse, the horrible country band Rascal Flats managed to prove me wrong. Here is my list of the winners, and who really should have won. Let me state for the record that when I say "should" have won, I am referring of course to the people nominated, not who I think should have been nominated and won. So, without further ado:

Album of the Year:
Who won: Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way
Who should have won: The Dixie Chicks - Taking The Long Way

Record of the Year:
Who won: Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
Who should have won: Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

Song of the Year:
Who won: Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
Who should have won: Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice

Best New Artist:
Who won: Carrie Underwood
Who should have won: Corinne Bailey Rae

Best Make R&B Vocal Performance:
Who won: John Legend - Heaven
Who should have won: Prince - Black Sweat

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance:
Who won: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You
Who should have won: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You

Best R&B Album:
Who won: Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
Who should have won: Prince - 3121

Best Pop Performance By A Duo or Group With Vocals:
Who won: The Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Who should have won: The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car)

Best Pop Vocal Album:
Who won: John Mayer - Continuum
Who should have won: Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint - The River In Reverse

Best Rock Album:
Who won - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
Who should have won: Tom Petty - Highway Companion

Best Rock Performance By A Duo or Group With Vocal:
Who won: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Who should have won: The Fray - How To Save A Life

Best Rock Solo Vocal Performance:
Who won: Bob Dylan - Someday Baby
Who should have won: Tom Petty - Saving Grace

And now for your amusement, we present the following things that Rocked/Sucked about the 49th Grammy Awards:

Best Performance:
Ludacris, hands down.

Worst Performance:
Rascal Flats - Who the fuck told them they could sing Hotel California?

Another Reason To Hate Rascal Flats:
See above.

Best/Coolest Part of the Show:
Natalie Maines when she received the award for Best Country Album.

Worst/Unwatchable Part of the Show:
The Police. Nothing more to say.

Best Reason To Hate The Grammy's:
Why did they feel that Justin Timberlake was such an amazing artist that we needed to see him perform not once, but twice.

Best Reason To Love The Grammy's:
Give me a minute, I'll think of something.

You're always sayin' you're to weak to be strong.

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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Technical Foul

For those of you unfamiliar with Harmon Leon's work, may I suggest the following 3 piece article. He is the author of the hilarious books The Infiltrator: My Undercover Exploits In Right Wing America and Republican Like Me: Infiltrating Red-State, White-Ass, and Blue-Suit America. If you like what you read, checkout this link to a list containing some of his best writing. And for those of you unfamiliar with the back-ass-ward ways of the Midwest, North Dakota may soon downgrade their anti-cohabitation law from a sex crime to fraud. Millions of Midwestern girls rejoiced as their Midwestern boyfriends may have finally lost their last excuse not to move in with them. I hate the Midwest, I really do.

All that you left me was a melody.

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Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Gunners Dream

I love stupid people like this. I find it fascinating that people can honestly believe there was no holocaust. Where do they think all the photos and video clips came from? Do they assume the photos were taken in a studio? Did volunteer's line up to starve themselves until they are nothing but bones and skin, and then smile for the camera? Did we destroy Europe just because we were bored? And if so, where did all the Jewish people go if they weren't massacred? Maybe they went to a far away place and are now living peacefully. I would like to think they are living peacefully in a land they can call their own without suffering from anti-Semitism, but I would also like to think that unicorn tears cure cancer and rainbows rain gumdrops that sprout into gigantic food stalks that feed all the worlds poor, but I'm not a fucking idiot. I would normally never put a link like this on my page, but I am doing so in hopes that one of you out there will spread the word that there are stupid people who really believe the shit this site "reports". For those who really want to see ignorance and idiocy by the same author, check out Andrew Winkler's articles. I don't condone violence, but there's a reason to hit anybody, and Winkler goes out of his way to give me more than a few good reasons to punch him in the face.

And no one kills the children anymore

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Friday, February 09, 2007

Justifiable Homicide

Grammy Award

Ok, now that I have finally calmed down I am prepared to make a more appropriate and sensible statement. I would like to start out by saying that I take the Grammy's very seriously. Not so much the awards show itself as much as the enjoyment I get from hearing the baffling and confusing choices of nominations. But what's even better than that (worse?) is finding out who loses to whom. If were lucky, we might even get to see Kanye West whine and bitch like a twelve year old because he lost his "gimme Grammy". And so to show my disdain for the Grammy's in a way that seems easy to comprehend, I have included a list below that explains the top five reasons why I hate, and love, the Grammy's:

1 - Milli Vanilli
On February 22, 1990 the Grammy's (from this point on referred to as NARAS) made one of the worst decisions possible; they awarded Milli Vanilli with the Best New Artist award. That move alone was enough to call out the credibility of the Grammy's, but the snowball grew bigger when it was announced that Milli Vanilli lip-synced their records. Bad decision.

2 - Elvis Costello gets fucked (and they didn't even by him dinner)
In 1979, Elvis Costello was up for the Best New Artist award. And he should have got it. But alas, NARAS managed to prove once again that they have no clue as to what the hell they are doing. Who won the award? A Taste of Honey... I don't know who they are either, but apparently "Boogie Oogie Oogie" is a musical masterpiece compared to anything off of This Years Model, which happens to be one of my favorite albums. Thanks fella's.

3 - Pink Floyd's Grammy Goes Sailing
Pink Floyd's The Wall is a milestone in music and film. The soundtrack, while not the best Pink Floyd album, is far better than anything else released in the 80's. Apparently, the idiots at NARAS (National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, for those still confused) preferred to go "Sailing" with Christopher Cross. This one should not require any explanation.

4 - Metallica Vs. Flute; Flute wins
In a move that appeared to show how the Grammy's have expanded and changed with the times, they announced the new category of Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance. And who was nominated for this prestigious new award? Metallica, AC/DC, Iggy Pop, Janes Addiction, and... Jethro Tull. Now I'm going to risk pissing off Midwesterners and flute players alike by making this bold statement, it must be made; Jethro Tull did not deserve this award. They did not even deserve the god damn nomination. But they won. And the funniest part? They didn't even show for the awards due to convincing themselves that Metallica would win.

5 - Starland Vocal Band (Who?)
For those of you who did not know who sang that annoying song "Afternoon Delight", now you know. The Starland Vocal Band was nominated for 5 Grammy's, and won 2; Best Arrangement (Voices) and Best New Act in 1977. This, above all else, shows not only just how little the NARAS understands music, but also how they tend to select one-hit wonders or whatever is popular at that moment instead of albums/artists/songs that will stand the test of time.

I hate the god damn Grammy's, but I can't help but watch in disappointment and disillusion as they display just how much this country hates real artists but craves pop one-hit wonders they can dance to when drunk. And last but not least, my final complaint (for today)... why the hell wasn't Cat Power nominated for anything?!

If I woke up next to you

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God Dammit!

Is anybody as disappointed in the Grammy nominations as I am? I mean seriously, who the fuck decided that James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" is a good song, much less worthy of a god damn Grammy? And where the hell is Pearl Jam? And even more importantly, who the fuck thinks the Killers deserve a Grammy and why is that person allowed to command a pencil? For anybody who still has faith in the Grammy's, here's proof that winning a Grammy means absolutely nothing in terms of musical talent; Milli Vanilli.

Ticking away the moments that make up the dull day

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Shake Your Money Maker

I didn't know that our fight against breast cancer was going so well that we can afford to turn donation money away. I'm sure that it is a comfort to women suffering from breast cancer that The Breast Cancer Society of Canada turned away filthy money plagued by women dancing in a manner that could be considered questionable. Sure, they might die before we found a cure, but at least they didn't contribute to the degradation of breast cancer and ruin its good name by accepting money from exotic dancers. Who the hell do those dancers think they are anyway? Trying to donate money to a good cause and all, it's just not right. Glad to know that the fight against breast cancer is going so well.

Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

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Death Is All Around Us

The crazy life of Anna Nicole Smith has ended. I wish I could feel bad, but I don't. She contributed nothing to society but entertainment as we all watched her prove how unintelligent she really was. I feel bad for her daughter though; no child should have to grow up not knowing their mother, but it's probably for the best that she doesn't have her as a role model. They haven't released a toxicology report yet, but I can imagine what they will find. It only takes one episode of her reality TV show to convince anybody that she took way too many drugs.

Also, I don't always support the death penalty, but in this case I will make an exception. Alfonso Rodriguez Jr. never should have been released from prison. It only took him six months to strike again, and a 22 year old student paid the consequences. I hope they bring back stoning. Or maybe light his ass on fire or something, anything to make him suffer.

The second to third hand information that complicates the complications.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Thought Criminal

The digital music revolution is not without its faults. On one hand you have the labels and artists, attempting to recover a sliver of the lost profits since the death of th CD. On the other hand, you have the innovations of new technology that, while possessing the benefit of being state of the art, are constantly racing against the workarounds of those who just don't want to pay for music. I choose not to take a side as this technology, however popular it may be, is still new and has yet to have the kinks worked out. Having said that, I agree with Steve Jobs when he proposes that record companies stop selling music on-line with digital rights management (DRM) protection software embedded. I believe that the more we hinder the process of allowing consumers to use any music player with any on-line music service they prefer, the more willing they will be to obtain the music through other less legal means. The art of business has proven that applying limitations to your product, however financially successful it may be, will soon push your customers to a more abundant source. The more available the artists music is, the more willing customers are to pay for it. I would rather spend $12 on a CD than $20 having to purchase songs individually from multiple sources to use on my numerous MP3 players. This is still a new technology, let's give it some room to grow.

And if you don't like then hey, Fuck You!

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Homosexual Butterfly

Are you experiencing feelings of homosexuality? Do you often find yourself lying in bed at night wonder if that cute guy (or girl if you have girly parts south of the Mason-Dixon Line) has noticed you yet? Have you ever said to yourself “Now I’m no queer, but if I was, I’d do Tom Cruise in a heartbeat”? If so then have we got some good news for you! Hetero counseling may be the answer you’re looking for in dealing with those unwanted, dirty, sinful feelings. Just ask out latest success story, disgraced meth-smoking, male-prostitute-fucking minister Rev. Ted Haggard. Haggard, after three intensive weeks of counseling, has now emerged from his homosexual deviant cocoon as a butterfly flying high among the hetero clouds. It worked for him; it can work for you too! Call us now at 1-800-BULL-SHIT today and get started down the path of redemption, cleanliness, and a life filled with lies and disgrace but completely void of homosexual tendencies. The meth however is your own damn problem.

I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Album Review - Fall Out Boy

Artist – Fall Out Boy
Album – Infinity On High

The new Fall Out Boy album is out! And guess what it sounds like? Just like the old Fall Out Boy album! Anyone who did not see that coming might be mildly retarded. But the good news is that they did manage to branch out musically, even if only slightly. Its hard to like Fall Out Boy as they seem to attach a social stigma to their fans, but that doesn’t erase the trail of catchy hooks and sing-a-long’s that they seem to bleed out of their guitars, however played out it may sound. Its not bad, just a little boring.

With their new record Infinity On High they bring back the catchy songs and high school heartache lyrics they are known for, along with those god damn twenty word song titles. The band apparently watched a lot of John Hughes 80’s flicks. Tracks like “I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Tryin’ To Get You Off” sound like they belong at the end credits of an updated Emo Breakfast Club. By the way Pete, please for the love of God and all that is holy stop writing such long song titles. It is not fun, cute, nor endearing. In fact, it is quite annoying and may contribute to your downfall.

Anyway, you can see where this is going. If you liked From Under The Cork Tree, you should enjoy this record as well. If not, then just take a queue from Brandon Flowers and threaten to punch them in the face. Or punch him in the face. Either way I win.

6 out of 10

If you like this album, try:

Fall Out Boy – From Under The Cork Tree
Panic! At The Disco – A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out
The Starting Line – Say It Like You Mean It