Sunday, October 25, 2009

My Circus Nuts

Why don't Circus Peanuts taste like peanuts? And why are they named after a circus, when they clearly resemble and taste more like packing foam? They look just like soggy Nutter Butters, have the texture of, well, packing foam, and clearly do not come in any other flavors like honey-roasted, salty, spicy, cool ranch, or even...peanuts. This is what happens when I have been sick for two weeks, haven't eaten in two days and am left alone to my own insane devices. This is the kind of shit that comes pouring out of my brain when I am not under parental supervision at the age of 29 when I am clearly abnormal at best. I need a drink, or some sleep, or drugs or whatever. I'm losing my mind.

songs of yesterday now live in the underground

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

There Is No Enemy

I have a hatred for Pitchfork that rivals my hatred for Nazi's, Ann Coulter, Volkswagen Beatles and soccer combined. Pitchfork is to music what Dorian Gray was to Victorian society in Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray . The condescending, patronizing publisher of music and artists reviews that reminds me of every clerk at every independent music store I have been too. If someone other than them has heard of it, it sucks. The artists suddenly become mainstream sellouts.

Now I will admit that the radio generally sucks. Most of what you hear on the FM airwaves is either early 2000's era hip-hop or talk radio. I will also admit that I have a wide variety of musical tastes, and will give anything a chance. Somehow, people perceive this to make me out as a music snob or elitist. You people are stupid and you need to invest in a dictionary or go back to whatever poorly funded public school you went to and demand your parents' tax dollars back.

Having said that, Pitchfork does occasionally hit the mark on some records. And while I am still not over their down-spiral of betrayal towards the great Sonic Youth, a band that has never made a bad album, they have redeemed some of their soon-to-be-exhausted respect by actually giving the new Built To Spill record There Is No Enemy a positive review. Yes, it seems that occasional people can in fact pull their heads out of their pompous asses and do their job correctly. So go check it out and if you like what you hear, pick it up. It is a great album, and it looks like Pitchfork hit their one-time mark for the year. I am somehow not surprised.

They don't wanna think about the other side. Is that grass just greener cause it's fake?

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Confessions of a Delirious Man

I am currently hopped up on the following drugs:

After-NoonQuil (I think)
Sucrets Cough Drops

So if anything I type here seems odd, don't be alarmed. Also, I am listenting to the Pixies, so that helps to make the colors delicious. I am watching Jon Stewart on mute, but I can hear him in my head. He is telling me to do things...horrible things. Things I could not bring myself to do, even if I did have a badger and some duct tape. I am going to go to sleep and hope that the monsters are not lifted directly from my nightmares and made into physical representations of their bowels-of-hell images I see when I close my eyes. Also, go listen to Kenotia...cause I fear Carlisle may need more Sangria. And buy their album, it is very good. Good night, and go fuck yourself San Diego.

Here comes your man

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Consent to Non-Consent

Leave it to Halliburton to include a clause as terms of employment that states that you can not sue...even if, you know, your coworkers gang-rape you and lock you in a storage container for 24 hours to prevent you from reporting it. Apparently, since the crime did not occur on American soil, the victim is barred from taking any legal action. Now I am not an expert on international employment rights within a domestically owned company, but I do know this...if you are a victim of a crime perpetrated by your coworkers while traveling for business outside the country on behalf of your company, you have every right to take every punitive measure against not only the offender(s) but the company itself for failure to provide you with a safe working environment. How this is any different, I fail to understand. Fuck Halliburton. I hope those rapists get sodomized by a fucking cactus...on fire...on YouTube for all to see. But, seeing as how Halliburton is associated with some of the most evil acts & people of this century, I doubt that is going to happen. So if she were to, hypothetically, bring a fucking gun to work and shoot those fuckers in the face, she would be exempt from any consequences. I'm Just, you know, throwing it out there.

Polly wants a cracker; I think I should get off her first. I think she wants some water to put out the blow torch.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Please Stop Making SAW Movies

I have an idea for a movie...hear me out. There's this guy, and he is obsessed with teaching people "lessons about life" while he murders them. I don't think he covers ethics in any of the movies; I'm not sure, I never made it past the first movie. But that's not important, because neither did common sense, rational problem solving skills, or story continuity. And this guy, he dies in the second movie...we think. See that's where all the suspense comes from. We don't know if he is alive or dead, nor why or how he is killing people in order to help them become more civilized human beings. Crazy, huh? Well I'm just getting started. We see him die 2 times, but he keeps appearing in each following sequel. Maybe he uses the force like Darth Vader, how the fuck do I know.

Anyway, we get to number six, and like each year before, we release it on Halloween; we're not sure why. Now, in Episode Six: Return of the Creepy Saw Doll and the Guy who foretold five movies worth of murder in the future, he is back to kill more people to teach them why they suck as human beings...after being dead for 4 movies...maybe. Toss in some masochistic engineers' most useless/creepy inventions designed specifically to force people to kill themselves, some vague hint of a story line, and of course, tits, and BAM! Hollywood gold. Can you smell the money already?
So I plead to whomever is responsible for this never-ending yearly theatrical nightmare, please stop. I can't take anymore. These movies are stupid. The plot sucks and is so convoluted and distorted that J.J. Abrams cries himself to sleep at night, wishing he had thought of it first. Maybe number 7 will have them stuck on an island with the people from Lost and they can just all kill each other and end both stupid fucking franchises...oh shit, I think I just gave Abrams a boner.
You never started loving me so you can never quit; I could rule this fucking world and you'd still think I'm shit