Sunday, January 09, 2011

After Everything I've Done, I Hate Myself For What I Have Become

 Why is it that boulders stay strong after so many stones are broken upon them, yet when they fall, they shatter to unrecognizable microscopic fragments of the glory of Mother Nature that they once were? They once stood so high and proud as if they were a shield against any and all harmful threat that may represent itself to not only the hillside of which it proudly stands before the gates of its elemental castle, but the pebbles that constantly rely on it's protection, like citizens of this miracle of nature that we so rarely stop to look at as it passes before our eyes.

I have always been the boulder of which others are either protected by, or break themselves upon, as I stand there immobile and unable to save so many that I have lost over the years. I keep it all inside; some may say hidden behind a mask or facade of control and emotionless persona, and yet I have on the rare occasion felt as though I were on the edge of the abysmal cliff, teetering back and forth until that final breeze of wind of which I have for so long enjoyed and been comforted by pushes me into my unavoidable descent as I wait patiently to shatter among the ground I once stood so proudly upon.

It is only then that I realize I will never be that symbol of protection, healing, comfort, security and hope that I have stood for so long to all of those whom have ever once asked for my helping hand. Even the strongest of us fall. But when the strong that keep it bottled up so as to help those who cannot help themselves or feel as if the world has abandoned them finally fall from grace, it shatters us for life. We can never be rebuilt, repaired,  salvaged or saved. We are only tiny, weak shards of what once was the pillar of strength, light, hope and comfort for all others.

For too long I have been the boulder, putting those I call friends before myself, and it has got to stop; this life is killing me, and if I do not figure out how to transform from the monster I am to man I want to become, I fear it is a battle I am very close to losing.

I don't want to live this life anymore. I try so hard to help anyone I can and the fractures are starting to show. I feel as if I am on fire, drowning in a pool of gasoline, condemned to this Hellish torment forever. My weakness, my only weakness, is that I cannot sit idly by and watch others suffer as I do nothing. There is no reset button on life; we can only move forward and hope that we learn, as I have yet to learn, from our mistakes. The people you care about are rarely on the same list as those that care about you. You cannot stop those that choose to walk out of your life; to abandon you, regardless of the reason. It is the sad truth and it hurts more than you would imagine, but over the past 3 years I have watched more friends and lovers walk out on me, walk out of my life than I have in the preceding 27 years. It appears to be obvious what or whom the common denominator is;


I do not know where to go from here. For the first time in my life, I feel lost. I have always taken anything life throws at me, and have always been thankful that it was me and not someone I love that life chose to harm. But for how long can a man take so much emotional, mental and physical pain and torment with a straight face before he, like the boulder he once portrayed becomes nothing more than scattered minerals and dust; nothing more than a broken piece of something that could have been great and beautiful; could have made others proud to call it's name and speak only kind words of him before he himself becomes nothing more than a shattered, hazy memory of failure?

I am, for the first time in my life afraid; truly afraid of what I have become. I cannot remember who I was, or even if I was someone worth remembering; but I will never forgive myself nor forget the lifetime of letting down those around me that expected more from this broken man that stands before them. It is a hard thing to accept once you realize you are the one they call worthless; the one they know is a failure but couldn't say it to your face; but we both know who and what I am, and I am ashamed of whatever that creature is evolving into.

It seems that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do is enough for some people.

I am going to take a few days off of writing, text, calling or emailing those that managed to put up with my shit for so long and yet still chose to remain in my life. I have to figure out what and who I am going to become, and I need to do it quickly. I have been gazing so long into the Abyss that I no longer recognize the man in it's reflection. I hate this life; I cannot live like this anymore, but I have to not only find a way to continue on, but to find a purpose to drive me towards that man I hope someone out there once thought I could become. Until then my friends, please forgive me for all that I have done to harm or wrong you; I never meant to hurt anyone, and yet I was so preoccupied by being there for others that I never took a moment to see just how much I was destroying myself.

And so back into the Abyss I shall travel. I hope to find that person I was, but I fear he is gone forever. If that shall be the case, I accept my fate without and expectation of others to accept it as well; I am what I am, but I have to try, and unfortunately it is a road I must travel alone. I never talk about my emotions and feelings, and that is something that everyone me around just has to accept. The road out of this Hell will be long, hard, dangerous and possibly lead to nowhere, but before the grace of God I shall go into the darkness; alone, afraid and without hope, but I shall return as either the man I want to be or the monster I have become. I just fear what I will find as I step into the dark.

 Apok: Those who wonder, shielding their face by hideous masks, to atone for their sins.

I leave with the only words I know how to type but am unable to speak:

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats, The Wind Among The Reeds, 1899.

Take a breathe and softly say goodbye.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

'After everything I've done, I hate myself for what I've become' was unattributed, searching for the author I came upon this page, found 'Take a breathe and softly say goodbye.' Unless I hear otherwise from you, I'll attribute these quotes to 'B' whenever I use them