Hipsters are an unnecessary evil bestowed upon us by some angry Norse God that plague this Earth with their bad haircuts, their horn rim glasses, and their shitty taste in music. Every God damn time I want to purchase a CD by, oh I don't know, Husker Du or Pearl Jam or any other band that actually has music worth listening to, I always get some feeble-minded pathetic look of disappointment by the indie chick with a million body piercings and twice as many tattoos and the oh-so-clever ironic vintage rock shirt of some famous band from the 70's that they don't actually fucking listen to, but it's OK because they are cool and hip and in the know or whatever the hell street lingo you mindless, soulless minions are using these days. I hate hipsters. So allow me to monosyllabically spell it out for you in a language you can understand, like quoting lyrics from an indie band; in the words of Pavement, cut your hair. I don't care how you do it, just get it done. Walking around looking like you either just got out of bed or just got fucked isn't cool; especially since we both know that neither is the case. And the pants, oh my God, the pants. Please, please stop wearing pants that look like they are painted on. I have no desire to see your chap stick sized bulge as you stand there holding a twelve dollar mocha and try to look cool. You don't look cool, you look like you are smuggling Cheetos.
Finally, stop telling me what music to listen to. I don't give a shit if Pitchfork gave The Epileptic Frying Pan Monkey Spank Tourettes Attack's new album a fucking 9.8 and Foo Fighters new record a 4.2, I would still rather listen to, as you call it a "retread", than a bunch of philosophy students banging pots and pans together while shouting poetry at me. Just because something is "obscure" or "different" or "indie" doesn't necessarily make it fucking good! Stop rolling your eyes at me for hating the Arcade Fire or for thinking that the new Radiohead album actually kind of sucks. I don't want to hear about how great some obscure unsigned band is, I just want to buy my fucking CD. And you know what makes all this even worse? I'm the one people call an elitist! I'm not. In fact I am utterly convinced that most people do not really know the definition of "elitist". I do not believe that my musical tastes are so fucking important that the fate of the world hinges on my ability to convince you to buy a Sebadoh record. Do I recommend music? Yes, of course, anyone who knows me will agree, and I am pretty fucking good at tailoring my recommendations to your personal taste. If that makes me an elitist, then go buy a fucking dictionary. At least I am not a hipster. I want them to die. In a fire.
You want me to beg forgiveness, tender an apology. It's not my fault and you're not getting one from me.