Friday, June 22, 2007

Weapon Of Mass Seduction

A million dollars can buy a lot of stuff, especially if you shop at Wal Mart and whatnot. I could buy a pretty nice new car, a boat, a house, and still have money left over for lunch the next morning with that kind of money. But why waste a million smackers on trivial shit like that when I can blow it all on an interview with Paris Hilton after she is released from jail. Hey NBC, allow me to give you an example of how this interview is going to go, just so that you can prepare yourself for what very well may become the worst piece of journalistic interviewing in history:

Interviewer: So Paris, what was prison like?

Paris: Well, there were like, bars and stuff, and not the fun kind of bars, but like the kind of bars that my dad like tried to put on my window when I was a kid living in our pathetic excuse for a mansion.

Interviewer: Did you learn anything in jail?

Paris: Yeah, of course I learned something. Did you know that they don't serve roasted duck in jail? That's like, cruel and unusual punishment or something. I had no idea it was that bad.

Interviewer: Are you sorry for what you did?

Paris: I got thrown in jail for being famous. I shouldn't be sorry for being famous and important. I'm like totally hot.

Interviewer: What are you plans now?

Paris: Book deal! So what if I like, can't read or whatever. People want to know about my struggles (big word!) and what I had to endure in the big house. That's prison slang for prison.

At this point, the interviewer will probably sigh in frustration, maybe retire from journalism all together, and possibly contemplate suicide. Does anybody really give a shit about what jail was like for some dumb socialite who hasn't done a damn thing to contribute to society? I mean honestly, what's her one crowning achievement? Her sex tape! And you know what, it isn't that great. All she accomplished with that tape is convincing the world she is a horrible fuck. I didn't need a videotape to tell me that, I'm sure I could have asked half of Hollywood and they would have given me the same answer. Paris, you're not "hot" and you're not important, get used to it. All you will be remembered for is as an example of what we don't want our kids to turn out like.

Is that what you call tact?

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