Clear And Present Danger

Music of Choice:
The Pixies – Here Comes Your Man

Seeing as how Ashlee Simpson is the smarter of the two (and that’s not saying much), she tends to interest me a little more than her floozy older doppelganger. I read an interview with her in Earwax, a local independent magazine from a local independent record store here in Sacramento. Below are some excerpts from the interview, along with my rendition of what her answers should have been:

Interviewer:
There was so much controversy after Autobiography-the Saturday Night Live lip-synching and everything-and you're still standing. What was the experience of the first album like?

Ashlee:
I went through a lot and learned a lot about myself. Something really important I've learned is it's OK to not be perfect. You have to accept yourself where you are. I've really learned to trust my instincts and trust what I want to do with the situation. Just being in the music business will do that to you pretty fast.

What She Really Meant:
I basically told the world I cant really sing and I ride on the coattails of my sisters fame to get what I think I deserve, which is a music career, even though I have no talent. I learned that if you get caught lying, then insult your fans on your sisters reality show, the fans will forgive and forget.

Interviewer:
So do you feel like you have something to prove this time around?

Ashlee:
No, I don't feel like I have something to prove. All I care about is my fans. I don't think I have to prove something to the world, but to my fans, I want to prove to them they can listen to my CDs or come to my shows and have a good time.

What She Really Meant:
I should feel like that, but I don’t. I don’t need to prove anything when I have money.

Interviewer:
You tend to rock a little harder than your sister, Jessica. Are you the rock dawg of the clan?

Ashlee:
Oh yeah, I've definitely been the one that likes rock 'n' roll more than anyone in my family. The rock world is interesting to me; I'm definitely not a tough, mean person or anything like that, but I do like the music.

What She Really Meant:
You can, like, totally tell by my studded leather belt that I so dig the rock. Seriously, I rock the hardcore. Totally. Like, Journey totally changed my life. Just try NOT throwing up the devil horns to “Don’t Stop Believin”!

Interviewer:
Who say are your musical models?

Ashlee:
I would say the Pretenders' Chrissie Hynde. She's been amazing for so long. And I love Madonna; I wouldn't necessarily want to go through all the drama and everything she went through, but what I liked about her is she always spoke up and was always honest about going through what she was really going through, and I thought that was cool.

What She Really Meant:
Madonna totally rocks. I can’t wait to put out a book like hers. Neither can the pedophiles.

Interviewer:
With roles in Malcolm in the Middle, 7th Heaven and the film Undiscovered, your acting career is even further along than your music career. Do you prefer one to the other?

Ashlee:
I love acting, but music is definitely my priority. It's such a release, and you get to express what you're going through and feeling at that time. It's definitely the ultimate for me.

Interviewer:
I kind of suck at both, but since my creepy over-affectionate and slightly perverted dad says daddy needs a new Porsche, I gotta do em’ both until he hooks me up a deal with Vivid Video. Then I won’t have to worry about having talent all!

I should point out that only the first two segments in each question were actually in the interview, the third was just my mental picture of what was going thru her mind at the time. That, or pony’s. There was no author for me to quote, but here’s a link to the real interview. Also, Frankie Goes To Hollywood has a greatest hits record coming out on Tuesday. Has anybody even heard a song other than “Relax, Don’t Do It”?

-B
“Take me away to nowhere plains”