Thursday, October 08, 2009

Please Stop Making SAW Movies

I have an idea for a movie...hear me out. There's this guy, and he is obsessed with teaching people "lessons about life" while he murders them. I don't think he covers ethics in any of the movies; I'm not sure, I never made it past the first movie. But that's not important, because neither did common sense, rational problem solving skills, or story continuity. And this guy, he dies in the second movie...we think. See that's where all the suspense comes from. We don't know if he is alive or dead, nor why or how he is killing people in order to help them become more civilized human beings. Crazy, huh? Well I'm just getting started. We see him die 2 times, but he keeps appearing in each following sequel. Maybe he uses the force like Darth Vader, how the fuck do I know.

Anyway, we get to number six, and like each year before, we release it on Halloween; we're not sure why. Now, in Episode Six: Return of the Creepy Saw Doll and the Guy who foretold five movies worth of murder in the future, he is back to kill more people to teach them why they suck as human beings...after being dead for 4 movies...maybe. Toss in some masochistic engineers' most useless/creepy inventions designed specifically to force people to kill themselves, some vague hint of a story line, and of course, tits, and BAM! Hollywood gold. Can you smell the money already?
So I plead to whomever is responsible for this never-ending yearly theatrical nightmare, please stop. I can't take anymore. These movies are stupid. The plot sucks and is so convoluted and distorted that J.J. Abrams cries himself to sleep at night, wishing he had thought of it first. Maybe number 7 will have them stuck on an island with the people from Lost and they can just all kill each other and end both stupid fucking franchises...oh shit, I think I just gave Abrams a boner.
You never started loving me so you can never quit; I could rule this fucking world and you'd still think I'm shit

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