Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Fun-Lovin' Criminal

There is a disease in America. It is sucking out the life from the very fabric of our society, and it has no mercy, no compassion, and no forgiveness. If exposed, you too will become what we still in the rational state of mind have come to refer to as “the infected”. Once “infected” there is no turning back. Your family will not forgive you, your friends will ignore, and the very image that stares back at you in the mirror will now only stare blankly with cold, black, dead eyes. This disease can attack anyone, at anytime, anywhere. What is this horrible ameba of foul stench and decay you ask? It has but one name, consisting of two words;

Emo Fashion.

Have you found yourself questioning your gender? Felt the urge to sport a black and blond comb-over at the age of 23? Are your pants a little too tight? Do you have a man-purse? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may already be among “the infected”. Is there hope for you? Can you be saved? The good news is yes, but the process of cleansing the body and mind of this wretched and cruel plague is so unbearable that I dare not speak its means of application. The bad news is that even if you are purged of this disease, you will forever suffer the ridicule and humiliation of your friends and family. As I warned of earlier, there is no turning back.

You can be saved, temporarily, if you act fast. You must immediately change your ways of fashion. It sounds tough, and I am not going to lie to you, the purging of this demon can be a nasty bitch, but there are some who can help you. Do not look to the emo community for help, for that is only a breeding ground for Emo Fashion. You must first go to a heavy metal show and get your ass kicked. Trust me on this; it is a very important step in the cleansing process. After that, you must pledge an oath to NEVER enter a Hot Topic again. If you can successfully complete these first two steps, the fight against this unholy-ness will be won by nature itself.

And remember, the help line is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week ($3.99 first minute, $2.99 each additional minute, extra charges apply for crying, bitching, or whining to the operator) for your support. Emo Fashion is not something to be taken lightly. It is destroying this nation’s youth, and it must be stopped. And it can be stopped, but we all must do our part. Have you done yours?

For support, call 1-800-FUCK-EMO

Walk the bridges before you burn them down

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