I was recently reminded, as one often is, of the impending doom of which I face due to the outrageous number of moons my ethereal body has survived. One could only imagine how a lost and deranged soul such as I could have survived nine thousand, five hundred and fifteen days (228360 hours, not counting leap years) without falling victim to any number of fatal occurrences of which I should have perished by years ago. But alas, I am here, and as luck would have it, I have no luck. As life often demands, young men between the ages of 14 and 30 are expected, almost required, to drop upon one knee, say a line they probably heard in “When Harry Met Sally” or “French Kiss” or “The Terminator” that would inevitably charm some fancy lass into accepting an agreement to put up with his shit for the rest of her life, and swear to never have sex with another female ever again even though they will constantly be thinking about it. This is what we call “getting hitched”.
Oh, women may call it “marriage”, and then feed you some bullshit about a holy union of two souls and marital bliss or something to that effect, but rest assured, you are getting hitched. You are agreeing to accept this woman’s nagging, old age, body imperfections, personality imperfections, and her mother and her mothers bullshit opinions for the rest of your miserable life. And you are expected to do this with a smile. Now, I know some men are currently thinking to themselves “but I love my wife and I am happy”. No, you are not. You are “trained” to think you are happy, and have been convinced that had you not married said hooch, you would surely die alone. This may be true, but that’s not the point. The point is, you are forever turning in your guy card and exchanging it for a Honey Do List. Yes, there will be one of these and any girl that tells you otherwise is lying. Yes, women can lie too, men were not the only mammals born with this ability. Only catch is, as when you lied to her to first have sex with her, she will now lie to you so as to not have sex with you. Often, the excuse will be a headache. But you never notice any Tylenol around the house do you?
Now I know this may seem a bit trite, and I won’t argue with that. I can certainly agree that this may all appear to be the ranting’s of an aging, bitter, depressed old man, and I assure you that it is. But the real reason I am bringing this subject up is because I have noticed a lot of talk of marriage around my group of friends. Two couples I know have gotten engaged in the past three weeks, and a few nights ago I was caught in the middle of another couple I am friends with having a conversation about marriage, and I somehow got her to approve of the wedding song being “Thriller” (sorry Katie!). I must admit, that was quite a feat and she seemed to take it pretty well, but “Highway To The Danger Zone” got shot down pretty quick, and that was a little disconcerting. Anyway, all of this goes back to my original point that age is approaching my generation rather quickly, and it seems like everyone is getting married but me. Hell, I can’t even get a girl to enjoy being around me much less date, sleep with, and marry. Does this depress me? No, but it should, and what depresses me is that it doesn’t depress me.
Anyway, now that I am done whining, I would like to congratulate Andrea and Joe, and Jason and Shannon. Jay and I have been friends for over half our lives, and he’s finally settling down, which to be honest is something I never thought I would live to see. I am very happy for all four of you. now that my best friend is getting married, should this give me hope that I too will someday bend down on one knee and feed a girl some bullshit line in order to make it illegal for other men to have sex with her? Well, it should, but it doesn’t. I am quite ok being on my own for the years to come, and if I die alone then so be it, I no longer care. Besides, they have cake at weddings and I hate cake. I also hate dancing, and people, and in-laws, and having my picture taken, and being nice to people. And I would assume those are qualities one must be proficient in to have a wedding, although I doubt it is required by law. Congrats guys, and Tim; I am SO sorry for bringing it up, but hey, at least she agreed on “Thriller”!
-B
We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
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