Thursday, June 22, 2006

My Chap Stick Eloped With My Pez Dispenser

Chap Stick is weird. I mean, the only purpose it serves is to un-chap lips that are currently chapped, and to fall out of one’s pocket. I honestly believe that my chap stick hates me. It has managed to fall out of my pocket on every occasion of purchase, and always within 48 hours of said purchase. I can only imagine that this is some sort of vile scheme dreamed up by the Chap Stick makers. They plant artificial intelligence chips inside the Chap Stick, and that allows the Chap Stick to possess free thought. And if I was in someone’s pocket, my first thought would be “get me the hell out of here!” which seems to be the only thing chap stick is capable of doing (except for the act of de-chapping of course). I love my chap stick, but it doesn’t love me back, and that makes me very sad. I give it a good home, medical and dental insurance, food and clothing, and even an allowance to go out with other Chap Sticks. But it still hates me, and all I want is some lovin’, you know? Why has my Chap Stick forsaken me? Come back to me Chappy! I can change!

The loneliest caged bird sings the saddest song, and you were never one to keep us guessing long

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