Are you experiencing feelings of homosexuality? Do you often find yourself lying in bed at night wonder if that cute guy (or girl if you have girly parts south of the Mason-Dixon Line) has noticed you yet? Have you ever said to yourself “Now I’m no queer, but if I was, I’d do Tom Cruise in a heartbeat”? If so then have we got some good news for you! Hetero counseling may be the answer you’re looking for in dealing with those unwanted, dirty, sinful feelings. Just ask out latest success story, disgraced meth-smoking, male-prostitute-fucking minister Rev. Ted Haggard. Haggard, after three intensive weeks of counseling, has now emerged from his homosexual deviant cocoon as a butterfly flying high among the hetero clouds. It worked for him; it can work for you too! Call us now at 1-800-BULL-SHIT today and get started down the path of redemption, cleanliness, and a life filled with lies and disgrace but completely void of homosexual tendencies. The meth however is your own damn problem.
I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.